Self-Discovery“Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24
The journey of self-discovery continues…Care to join me?
So the last time we talked, I had discovered that, yes, I have a little problem with being reactive. That means I’m “readily responsive to stimulus,” according to Webster. I suppose this could sometimes be a good thing. It might be couched as enthusiasm, excitement, even passion
But I’m realizing I react in response to a perceived attack, to defend myself. When I look at it this way, the word weapon comes to mind. So am I wielding the weapon of reactivity to shield myself, fight back, and protection myself from a perceived attack?
That line of thinking makes my reactivity seem reasonable and justifiable. But in reality, I’m just blaming others and making excuses for my own bad behavior. I know I’m not going to get away with this. I know I have to take responsibility for this. I believe God is behind this exposure. He seems to be shedding His light on my darkness. And for that, I am truly grateful. Because, as I said in my last post. I don’t want to stay this way. And, as I’ve said to my husband, I know if I don’t take care of this business now, as I grow older, I sense this reactivity will get worse, more intense.
So what to do? I decided to pray and ask God about it.
“God, what is this reactivity about? What is the root?
The still small voice, “When someone disagrees with you or you feel accused or criticized, when you’re afraid, you react strongly. You feel vulnerable and so you protect yourself with a shield of reactivity.”
“But why? Why do I have such a strong reaction? Please, Lord, a little insight here.”
This is the answer I sensed. “It goes back to your very early years. You were criticized harshly. At first you responded with pain. You were hurt, saddened, even started to feel worthless. Those feelings of worthlessness grew into feeling unloved. You lived in that place for any years, but that wasn’t a strong safe place to dwell. And so you built up your defenses against feeling so small and so weak. Eventually your pain was covered with a scab of anger, which made you feel stronger. You covered up your raw painful wounds caused by accusation, condemnation, disdain.
But now it’s time to drop your weapons, you defenses. Release your pain, your weakness, your sense of worthlessness and the lie that you are not really loved.
I have come to give you life and life abundant and I love you with an everlasting love. I have healed you, go and sin no more.”
The journey continues. The first leg of this journey has been a time of naming the problem: reactivity. And discovering the answer: God in me.
The second leg has given me clarity, helped me to see the roots of my reactions, the lies that grew, the anger that covered up the shame and anger, the justification that enabled my anger.
The next leg will be a season of forging a new path…one that will require forgiveness, a mind captive to Christ, intentional action, and a whole lot of help from God who promises never to leave me or forsake me.
I’ll let you know how I do.
How about you? Do you find yourself on a journey that seems guided by God? Have you found yourself on such a journey recently? Any discoveries, revelations?